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Maybe I should have featured the Sweet Nothings set. They’re adorable little messages of appreciation for when you can’t find your words or right timing. But ah, the Unmentionables sound like so much more fun.

While they remind me of the Stop Talking cards, the Unmentionables are much more varied and evil. Among the 20 cards are messages like “Please don’t procreate” and “Thanks for the raise. I’m going to treat myself to a pack of ramen”, one for almost for every situation, collected in an elegant little pack with little cartoon monsters to accurately express your rage even if you’re too polite or shy to say it upfront. All of them are so mean they’re hilarious and need to be seen even if you don’t plan on ever buying one. (But at less than $6… it’s oh so totally worth it.)

I would love to see the look of someone who finds one of these on their desk or table… Hm… I have a few friends I could try them on.

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $5.95 on ShineBoxPrint.com.

Via Outblush

In World of Warcraft, Carrot on a Stick is a trinket you can get at a relatively low level, that makes you ride faster and can be a real time saver (especially when you still have the slow level 35 mount). Blizzard have left us with some unanswered questions, like why a tiger would even want a carrot, but hey, it’s a speed boost, who cares?

In real life, the Carrot on a Stick Keychain is the coolest thing I’ve seen all week - but, sadly, it doesn’t make you go any faster. Why do I love it so much then? Well, you’d have to be a player to get it. The keychain reproduces both the icon (front) and the tooltip (back) - 3% speed increase, yay! - and it’s exactly the type of thing that can express your love of WoW without going too much over the top (or over budget).

I wonder… Will they make a keychain with the Riding Crop next?

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $7.99 on Jinx.com.

This is officially the weirdest product I’ve even written about. I’ve seen useless and bizarre things before, but most were just ugly, not… this.

Getting to the point: Nose Up Straight-Bridge Makers. As far as I can guess, this device squeezes your nose in the hope of making it straighter. Or something. The Engrish on the package is delicious: “In order to make your little nose clearer, more beautiful and full of happiness, this product is necessary for your nose!”. And, of course, it’s “anti-germ and stink-proof”.

Um, yeah, I’ll take 10. I want my nose to be happy.

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $2.63 on DealExtreme.com.

Via GearDiary

Jigsaw puzzles are a great way of killing time (and keeping the brain in shape), so I hope the internet hasn’t killed them off. I haven’t touched one in years, but the puzzle sections in the stores I frequent seem to be very well stocked, so there’s got to be a market for them.

When I was a kid, all you could get were regular jigsaw puzzles. Then there was the 3D kind, and now the newest addition is the Mozaniac. I’m not sure I completely understand how it works, so here’s a description from the product page: “[...]the same flat, modular puzzle pieces can make four or more pictures. Everything depends on how the pieces go over and under each other, revealing and hiding part of what is printed on them. Each completed picture holds itself together as an integral unit until it is taken apart to form the next picture.” A page on the history of the Mozaniac gives a little more insight and the concept looks more and more fascinating.

Considering how cheap this is, there really isn’t any reason game lovers shouldn’t try it for themselves.

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $8 on ParadoxyProducts.com.

Pirate life is busy. How is a poor guy supposed to remember which ship to pillage on Friday or where the treasure is hidden?

The answer is, naturally, a Pirate Organizer. Each set includes an address book, a sticker sheet with appropriate piratey things, a journcaptain’s log and a pen, enough for any modern pirate’s daily life.

Pirate stuff is cool, but this set can be more than a toy; it can teach kids how to be a little more organized and responsible from a young age. And, even if it doesn’t (my parents tried, failed), at least he’ll be the envy of his friends for a couple of days.

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $6.95 on McPhee.com.

The Simpsons have been around since… forever. Ok, 1989, but that’s basically forever in television years. Like all successful shows, it’s given birth to a whole industry dedicated to themed merchandise which, let’s admit it, is frequently crap.

Not so the Simpsons Mini Figurines, though. These 3-inch PVC copies of the Springfield residents look high quality and can be yours right now. The set has 24 characters, from Bart, Homer and the rest of their dysfunctional family to the show regulars and a couple of pets, too.

You can’t be sure you’ll get your favorite, though, since all the figs are packed in identical boxes and you’ll receive a random one… but if you really love the collection you can get it all for $181.20.

I have one question, though: Where is Spiderpig?!

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $7.95 on KidRobot.com.

Via TCritic

In this busy world, we want everything now. Some exaggerate, but the basic idea isn’t bad: don’t waste time so you can use it later for more pleasant things. So, while I agree that looking up measurements in a conversion table it’s that much of a chore, the Conversion-Chart Spatula seems like a very smart implement. If you can save those 5 minutes, why not?

This non-stick spatula helps with cooking in more than one way: it has one side printed with liquid measurements and the other with the dry chart, so next time you wonder how much flour you need all you have to do is look down. Why browse through the cookbook if I can help it?

I’m sure mum would say it’s useless, but my laziness is cheering for it.

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $9.99 on BrylaneHome.com.

Via bookofjoe

Caffeine… it’s what wakes us in the morning and keeps us going through the day. But I don’t think coffee drinkers can conceive there are people who don’t like their lovely brew. Sorry, coffee doesn’t taste good. It can be improved with milk and sugar, but that’s just another way of making it not taste like coffee anymore. So we need more caffeine sources without the eeky taste.

I wouldn’t have thought of it, but food can be one… If said food is Buzz Strong’s Caffeinated Cookies. Doesn’t that sound good already? And what if I add they are chocolate chip cookies made with Brazilian coffee, Tahitian vanilla, and Swiss dark and white chocolate chips? I see signs of drooling…

Four cookies are equal to one cup of coffee and one pack has 12 cookies, so you do the math. Not bad, and tasty too!

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $4.99 on ThinkGeek.com.

I’m going to take this as an interesting idea, not as an actual product anyone would seriously use.

The Wishpaper is “the world’s first paper wishbone”. I don’t think the world needed one, but, as far as useless products go, this has a cool design. To make things clear, this is a notepad with a large wishbone printed on every page; similar to a real wishbone, two people make wishes and start tearing the paper down the middle and the one with the larger piece is said to get the wish.

I can see this being entertaining for all of two wishes (after all, the fun was actually finding the wishbone in the first place, no?), but I like printed notepads and such an original design for $5 sounds like a good deal. Also available are Lovepaper and Decisionpaper, in case you need help in those aspects of your life.

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $5 on ParadoxyProducts.com.

Via RedFerret

Unless you still live with your mum or can afford to eat out every day, sooner or later you’ll be forced to cook. Inexperienced cooks (or shall we call them “burners”?) are much more likely to end up with various foodstuff on their clothes or with blisters on their hands, so they need protection. No, not that kind.

And since the inexperienced people are likely to be young, what could better than playing a prank on friends? Ok, eating good food would be, but since we already know it’s going to get burnt, might as well have fun afterwards. The Glow-In-The-Dark Skeleton Apron & Oven Mitt is the perfect set for the situation. Really. Useful by day, scary by night! Cook, invite some friends over for dinner, then try to give them a heart attack.

They pieces are sold separately, so you could go for the bony hand or for the half-skeleton alone if you feel like it. Or get two mitts for a complete get-up, then wait until a poor unsuspecting soul comes by.

How much under $29.99?
Some: $19.99 for the apron and $9.95 for the mitt on WhatonEarthCatalog.com.

Via FahionablyGeek