This is a “how NOT to” guide. Or perhaps a “how to dump someone in the nastiest way possible” guide. Choose one, depending on what you plan for this Valentine’s Day. The following products are the stupidest presents for Valentine’s Day we could find.

9. Beer Mug of Blooms. The only thing this says is “Honey, I went out to buy you the most beautiful bouquet for this special day, but I got lost and ended up in the pub.” Not the message you want to send on Valentine’s.

8. Love Stinks Soap Set. I have to admit it’s a funny idea (love stinks, let’s wash it off with a nice soap), but the whole point of this holiday is that love is great. Save this for when you want to dump him/her.

7. Talking Rose. Who invents these things? A plastic rose with a microphone? A fake flower and a recording can never replace a real one and a passionate “I love you”. Save your money for better things.

6. USB Pig Radio. Adorable, sure. But guys, pink is not always a sign that the product is made for Valentine’s. She’ll only think you’re saying she’s fat like a pig.

5. Valentine Heart Toilet Paper. Only for girls who think Valentine’s is overrated. Put this in the bathroom on your girlfriend’s favourite day and prepare to get the silent treatment.

4. Halitosis Detector (bad breath, that is). “My love, your breath stinks.” No. Never. Do not even think about it.

3. “Dumped” Despair Inc. Bitersweets. If you’re feeling real mean, wrap the box in a nice paper and watched her stunned face as she reads the messages on the seemingly-harmless candy hearts.

2. Diet Decision Maker magnet. The USB pig might have suggested she’s fat, this one is outright saying it. Guaranteed to get you dumped.

1. And, last but definitely not least… Breast Suspenders. I hope I don’t have to spell this out for you. NO.

So you’ve decided that, even though Valentine’s Day might be a commercial holiday, there’s nothing wrong with celebrating your love. Unfortunately, love doesn’t necessarily come with brilliant ideas for presents. That’s why we’re here to help with our Top 7 Valentine’s Day presents for your girl. We’re aiming for original presents, so if all you’re looking for is red hearts… sorry, you won’t find them here (but aren’t you sick of them already?!)

7. If she works on the computer (and is there anyone who doesn’t, at least once in a while?), she definitely had the “hand frozen on mouse” problem at least once. Help her keep her lovely hands warm with a pair of USB Heating Gloves.

6. Everyone and his dog has a blog nowadays. If your girlfriend is a passionate blogger, let her express it! A pair of Geek Panties with the message “I’m blogging this” is one of the best presents for a blogger (she probably already has the “I’m blogging this” t-shirt, so she’ll love the set).

5. Presents aren’t only about material things. Be creative! Get her an “I only cook for the cat” apron, acknowledge her dislike of the kitchen and take her out for a fancy meal. Having someone else cook for you is one of the great joys of life.

4. If your girl is a bit on a wild side, get her something sexy and somewhat dangerous: a Single Shot Sexy Garter. Just imagine her lifting her skirt to take a sip… You’re giving yourself a present with this one. And she’ll relish the feeling of something forbidden.

3. Geeky girlfriend – she can understand your passion for computer games, gadgets, programming and all things geek. Hold on to her, she’s hard to find. The Include Love t-shirt has the best of both worlds: programming and relationships.

2. I doubt there is any girl, anywhere, who would refuse a day at the spa. We just like being pampered… Why not bring the spa to her? The Gelicity Spa Jelly Bath transforms the water in the bathtub into gel and promises an unique sensation.

1. But, no matter what, nothing beats those three magic words: “I love you”. But you’ve already told her that, sent her cards… Well, she’s probably never received a bean that says “I love you”. The Message Egg grows into a bean plant that lets you express your feelings in a way she’s never seen before.

Most men try to act all tough, but we know that they’re not really like that. He might say that Valentine’s Day is a silly holiday, but it’s about love, after all, and any excuse is good for that. As long as you buy him some gifts that he’ll appreciate (hint: no red hearts, nothing pink), Valentine’s should be a great opportunity to make your relationship better. You don’t have to go over the top – just show him your love. If you’re still not sure what to get him, check out our Top 7 Valentine’s Day presents for your guy.

7. If you want to get him something he’ll like, but also get a tiny little advantage out of it, consider the Circuitboard Coasters. He might find the supreme geekiness reason enough to use them and stop ruining your table.

6. Men and clothes… usually not a good combination. Clothes are complicated, you have to match the colors and all sorts of useless stuff. The FTW t-shirt is the ideal solution for guys who hate the notion of “fashion”. Black goes with anything and the message tells the world that everything’s going great for him.

5. Do you have a slightly childish (and yet so adorable) boyfriend? Get him a LEGO Star Wars watch. Features two cool things: LEGO (ah, the memories of endless hours of fun) and perhaps the greatest SF saga ever.

4. If a man likes beer, it doesn’t mean that he’s a slob or that he spends all his free time in a bar telling dirty jokes to his friends. Beer drinking can be classy too: get your man a set of Beer Bottle Goblets and have a drink with him!

3. Perhaps your boyfriend has to work in a stuffy office. He might not like wearing a suit, but he can’t do anything about it. A small and tasteful accessory could make him feel less like a company drone. The Light Bulb Cufflinks look ordinary most of the time, but when you push a button they light up.

2. They say every man is a kid at heart and I think there’s a lot of truth in that. You can test the theory by giving him an USB Whack it! and watching the reaction. My money is on “Ooh, a whack-a-mole! I used to love them when I was a kid!”

1. We mentioned the office and being a young at heart. How about combining them? The Dart Blaster is a toy that can ensure hours and hours of chaos fun at the workplace.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: websites that offer geeky merchandise for girls have a special place in my heart. And I’m talking about useful things, not “ooh, let’s make it pink and say it’s a girls’ version!”.

So, a while ago I got what has since become my favorite t-shirt: I’m Blogging This. I was very happy to see that there is a… companion for that t-shirt: Geek Panties! They come in two models: I’m Blogging This and Warranty Void If Removed. You can make sure you and your boyfriend go well together by getting him one of these I Void Warranties t-shirts and enjoy the subtle joke only the two of you know… My t-shirt is very good quality, so I’m going to assume this panties are the same. Awesome Valentine’s gift in case you have a geeky girlfriend.

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $7.99 on ThinkGeek.com.

Programming is not men-only anymore (you might have noticed those two or five girls on your team). And, despite the “classic” computer-nerd image, programmers have feelings, which they sometimes want to express.

The include love babydoll tee lets you show your inner girly side without forsaking the geeky you. Now that you’ve included the love module, you can decide to use it or not… It’s your choice.

As for me, I love the fact that you can find nice geeky girl’s t-shirts. If I’m going to wear something, be it geeky or classy, I want it to look good on me (and most men’s t-shirts don’t). How about one of these for your girl on Valentine’s?

How much under $29.99?
Some: $12.99 on ThinkGeek.com

Monty Python are gods. Period. British humour at its best (and no, I am not British). Although I think my favourite is Life of Brian, The Holy Grail is a close second. For those who haven’t seen it (shame on you!), it’s a spoof of King Arthur’s search for the Holy Grail. One of the best scenes is the one where Arthur meets the Black Knight and is forced to chop off his arms and legs to pass over a bridge.

Now you can have your very own Monty Python Black Knight Plush. It’s 7.5″ tall, it has removable arms and legs (of course!) and even a sword to (inefficiently) fight King Arthur. I doubt this would appeal to anyone but a Monty Python fan, but the fans will probably be nuts about it. I know I love it.

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $7.99 on ThinkGeek.com.

Ah, bubble wrap… Delight for some, torture for others. (I’m in the “delight” camp, I love popping bubble wrap.)

But, the thing is, you don’t always have bubble wrap handy (and it would be weird walking around with a big piece of bubbles… right?) There is a possible solution for the compulsive popper – although I’m not sure it’s the ideal one.

Introducing the Electronic Bubble Wrap Keychain. It’s a substitute for bubble wrap which could satisfy some. The keychain has 8 rubbery little “bubble” buttons which make an appropriate sound – plus a surprise, each 1000th pop makes a silly sound: a boing, a bark, a rude noise etc.

You can watch a video of it in action here:

As for me… I might be convinced if I tried it. For now, it’s just a poor substitute.

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $9.99 on ThinkGeek

Who doesn’t love their iPod? It’s really cool walking around with your headphones on, but sometimes you want to share your music – and giving your friend one earbud makes the music get lost in all the traffic. So, what to do?

You could buy the X-mini Capsule Speaker. It boasts rich deep bass in a speaker no bigger than a hens egg, which sounds pretty damn good. It
s rechargeable by USB, which can be a hinder if you go away for a longer time, but it runs for up to 8 hours when fully charged, which should be enough for anyone (and anyway, you could get one of those USB chargers you just plug into an outlet). It only weighs 52 grams, so you won’t even feel it if you pop it in your pocket.

The only thing is the price. Though it’s a cool gadget, I’m not sure it’s worth $24.99. You could buy a decent pair of speakers for that money and they’ll probably work better, but I can see a use for the X-Mini if you travel a lot. If I’m in my hotel room I won’t want to listen to music on the headphones.

How much under $29.99?
Some: $24.99 on ThinkGeek
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Via GizmosforGeeks