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This is a “how NOT to” guide. Or perhaps a “how to dump someone in the nastiest way possible” guide. Choose one, depending on what you plan for this Valentine’s Day. The following products are the stupidest presents for Valentine’s Day we could find.

9. Beer Mug of Blooms. The only thing this says is “Honey, I went out to buy you the most beautiful bouquet for this special day, but I got lost and ended up in the pub.” Not the message you want to send on Valentine’s.

8. Love Stinks Soap Set. I have to admit it’s a funny idea (love stinks, let’s wash it off with a nice soap), but the whole point of this holiday is that love is great. Save this for when you want to dump him/her.

7. Talking Rose. Who invents these things? A plastic rose with a microphone? A fake flower and a recording can never replace a real one and a passionate “I love you”. Save your money for better things.

6. USB Pig Radio. Adorable, sure. But guys, pink is not always a sign that the product is made for Valentine’s. She’ll only think you’re saying she’s fat like a pig.

5. Valentine Heart Toilet Paper. Only for girls who think Valentine’s is overrated. Put this in the bathroom on your girlfriend’s favourite day and prepare to get the silent treatment.

4. Halitosis Detector (bad breath, that is). “My love, your breath stinks.” No. Never. Do not even think about it.

3. “Dumped” Despair Inc. Bitersweets. If you’re feeling real mean, wrap the box in a nice paper and watched her stunned face as she reads the messages on the seemingly-harmless candy hearts.

2. Diet Decision Maker magnet. The USB pig might have suggested she’s fat, this one is outright saying it. Guaranteed to get you dumped.

1. And, last but definitely not least… Breast Suspenders. I hope I don’t have to spell this out for you. NO.

The amount of crap items in my RSS feeds has been growing lately… And I feel this compulsion to write about them. Maybe I’m masochistic.

Also masochistic is anyone who even thinks of buying the Over the Hill Breast Suspenders. If you’re a woman - ow. If you’re a man, any female you give this to will kick you with the nearest sharp object… The product description says that it’s supposed to provide extra support, turn saggy into perky again and serve as a safety strap during sporting activities; it ends with this gem: “Be the first on your block to look 20 years younger again.” I don’t understand exactly how they work, but won’t the straps show under your shirt anyway?

Um. Ok, a nice idea, but… breast suspenders?! *shudder*

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $5.50 on SeeFred.com.

Via FashionablyGeek