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…And we’re back to the neverending world of Star Wars merchandise, with a treat for fans with a sweet tooth.

The Darth Vader Giant Pez Dispenser is tall indeed at more than 12″ in height, and comes with no less than 12 packs of Pez candy, guaranteed to last you a long time (or ensure a quick trip to the dentist’s). When it dispenses a pack of candy, Darth Vader’s eye light up and it plays the Star Wars theme song to the enjoyment (or annoyance) of everyone around.

While it would probably be a hit at a children’s birthday party, I hope I never have a work colleague with one of these. Hearing the Star Wars theme song every time he feels like having something sweet is something I wouldn’t want to go through.

How much under $29.99?
Some: $17.50 on Amazon.com.

I love Happy Bunny. How could I not? He’s so adorable and so mean at the same time.

The Happy Bunny Mints come in three different tin cases, each with its own funny/evil message: “Please enjoy a mint. Since your breath smells like butt.”, “Would you like to suck on a mint? Since you already suck all the time.” and “Poison Mints for Frend”. A perfect gift for a friend with a sense of humor or for your greatest enemy (with bad breath). And, of course, a must for any Happy Bunny fan…

How much under $29.99?
Some: $12.99 on PerpetualKid.com.

Gumball machines are one of the best things ever. The gum is too big and the taste is dubious, but ah, the excitement of inserting a coin and wondering what color you’ll get… I gladly admit I had my last gum from a machine 2 weeks ago, and I get one everytime I visit a certain mall. There’s no such thing as “too old for it”.

And, since you’re an adult, you now have your own money and you can get your own Picture Perfect Gumball Machine! Er, get one for your children/nephews and nieces, I mean. It doesn’t take up as much space as a full-sized one because it goes right on your wall, but it dispenses candy just like the real thing.

We might as well admit we are kids at heart…

How much under $29.99?
Exactly $29.99 on ModCloth.com.

Modern vampires are more concerned with frilly shirts and melancholy thoughts, but if you happen to run into an old school bloodsucker you must be prepared.

The Garlic Mints will make Dracula steer clear of you, so you needn’t worry you’ll end up as someone’s Bloody Mary (or Tim, or John). However… there’s a side effect. Everyone will steer clear of you. Your friends will suddenly become extremely busy. Girls will find something important to talk to a friend on the other side of the hall.

You need to decide what’s more important: having friends or being protected from vampires, because you can’t have them both.

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $4.95 for a set of 3 on McPhee.com.

Life has no meaning or purpose. And since life has no meaning, why bother with things like… taste?

Nihilist Mints. Flavorless. Perfect for someone who doesn’t give a damn about anything in life. The box looks very cool (not that they’d care) and contains 60 mints with no flavor whatsoever. Buy them for your nihilist friend. He won’t care either way, but you’ll feel good about your funny prank. For about 5 minutes.

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $4.95 on McPhee.com.

This is a “how NOT to” guide. Or perhaps a “how to dump someone in the nastiest way possible” guide. Choose one, depending on what you plan for this Valentine’s Day. The following products are the stupidest presents for Valentine’s Day we could find.

9. Beer Mug of Blooms. The only thing this says is “Honey, I went out to buy you the most beautiful bouquet for this special day, but I got lost and ended up in the pub.” Not the message you want to send on Valentine’s.

8. Love Stinks Soap Set. I have to admit it’s a funny idea (love stinks, let’s wash it off with a nice soap), but the whole point of this holiday is that love is great. Save this for when you want to dump him/her.

7. Talking Rose. Who invents these things? A plastic rose with a microphone? A fake flower and a recording can never replace a real one and a passionate “I love you”. Save your money for better things.

6. USB Pig Radio. Adorable, sure. But guys, pink is not always a sign that the product is made for Valentine’s. She’ll only think you’re saying she’s fat like a pig.

5. Valentine Heart Toilet Paper. Only for girls who think Valentine’s is overrated. Put this in the bathroom on your girlfriend’s favourite day and prepare to get the silent treatment.

4. Halitosis Detector (bad breath, that is). “My love, your breath stinks.” No. Never. Do not even think about it.

3. “Dumped” Despair Inc. Bitersweets. If you’re feeling real mean, wrap the box in a nice paper and watched her stunned face as she reads the messages on the seemingly-harmless candy hearts.

2. Diet Decision Maker magnet. The USB pig might have suggested she’s fat, this one is outright saying it. Guaranteed to get you dumped.

1. And, last but definitely not least… Breast Suspenders. I hope I don’t have to spell this out for you. NO.

Are you sick of all the “love is in the air” crap? Do you want a suble way of dumping your (un)significant other? Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend with a very good sense of humor? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, consider the Despair, Inc. Bittersweets for the pink-and-red holiday we all love (or hate with a passion).

They come in three collections: Dejected, Dysfunctional, and Dumped, each with up to 37 different messages, such as:
Dejected:
I MISS MY EX | PEAKED AT 17 | MAIL ORDER | TABLE FOR 1 | I CRY ON Q | U C MY BLOG? | LOSS LEADER | A FINE WHINE | MOMMY ISSUES | DIGNITY FREE | DORK MAGNET | PURE NAUSEA | WE HAD PLANS | MAIL ORDER | SETTLE 4LESS | I’M HOT INSIDE

Dysfunctional:
ANNULMENT | I BEEN CREEPIN | HE CAN LISTEN | GAME ON TV | CALL A 900# | P.S. I LUV ME | DO MY DISHES | BOOTY INFL8N | PAROLE IS UP! | AWFUL INLAWS | SUB PRIME | I WANT HALF | RETURN 2 PIT | NO FIX 4 DUMB | RATHER DRINK | MUTUAL DISGUST

Dumped sayings:
I GOT SOBER | HE FIT U FAT | U LEFT SEATUP | USED U 4 FUN | JUST A FRIEND | BACK 2 KENNEL | DORKA PHOBIC | U HAVE A BLOG | RUSSIAN BRIDE | CELEB8 THX2U | DOG IS CUTER | TRADIN YOU IN | FORGET WE MET | KISS A FROG | SHE IS 22! | HE HAS A JOB

You can even buy several boxes and combine the candy heart to create a real unforgettable Valentine’s Day for that someone you hate (At least you get 20% off when you buy 2 or more).

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $9.99 on ThinkGeek.com.

Yes, Valentine’s Day has become so commercial, yes, I dislike that, but some gifts are just so damn cute, who cares that the society is going down the drain and blah blah?

The Sweetheart Chocolate Avatars (also known as Mii Chocolates) are the epitome of cute. You get two 2.1 oz Hershey’s chocolate avatars with tiny read hearts on their shirts, to make the feelings very clear. You can choose any combination of colors (white or dark chocolate) and sexes, so you’ll be able to express your chocolately love to your mate in a very accurate way. What more could you want?

If you wanted to get these and they were out of stock, hurry now, a new batch has just been put on sale.

How much under $29.99?
Some: $14.99 on ThinkGeek.com.