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This is a “how NOT to” guide. Or perhaps a “how to dump someone in the nastiest way possible” guide. Choose one, depending on what you plan for this Valentine’s Day. The following products are the stupidest presents for Valentine’s Day we could find.

9. Beer Mug of Blooms. The only thing this says is “Honey, I went out to buy you the most beautiful bouquet for this special day, but I got lost and ended up in the pub.” Not the message you want to send on Valentine’s.

8. Love Stinks Soap Set. I have to admit it’s a funny idea (love stinks, let’s wash it off with a nice soap), but the whole point of this holiday is that love is great. Save this for when you want to dump him/her.

7. Talking Rose. Who invents these things? A plastic rose with a microphone? A fake flower and a recording can never replace a real one and a passionate “I love you”. Save your money for better things.

6. USB Pig Radio. Adorable, sure. But guys, pink is not always a sign that the product is made for Valentine’s. She’ll only think you’re saying she’s fat like a pig.

5. Valentine Heart Toilet Paper. Only for girls who think Valentine’s is overrated. Put this in the bathroom on your girlfriend’s favourite day and prepare to get the silent treatment.

4. Halitosis Detector (bad breath, that is). “My love, your breath stinks.” No. Never. Do not even think about it.

3. “Dumped” Despair Inc. Bitersweets. If you’re feeling real mean, wrap the box in a nice paper and watched her stunned face as she reads the messages on the seemingly-harmless candy hearts.

2. Diet Decision Maker magnet. The USB pig might have suggested she’s fat, this one is outright saying it. Guaranteed to get you dumped.

1. And, last but definitely not least… Breast Suspenders. I hope I don’t have to spell this out for you. NO.

Are you sick of all the “love is in the air” crap? Do you want a suble way of dumping your (un)significant other? Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend with a very good sense of humor? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, consider the Despair, Inc. Bittersweets for the pink-and-red holiday we all love (or hate with a passion).

They come in three collections: Dejected, Dysfunctional, and Dumped, each with up to 37 different messages, such as:
Dejected:
I MISS MY EX | PEAKED AT 17 | MAIL ORDER | TABLE FOR 1 | I CRY ON Q | U C MY BLOG? | LOSS LEADER | A FINE WHINE | MOMMY ISSUES | DIGNITY FREE | DORK MAGNET | PURE NAUSEA | WE HAD PLANS | MAIL ORDER | SETTLE 4LESS | I’M HOT INSIDE

Dysfunctional:
ANNULMENT | I BEEN CREEPIN | HE CAN LISTEN | GAME ON TV | CALL A 900# | P.S. I LUV ME | DO MY DISHES | BOOTY INFL8N | PAROLE IS UP! | AWFUL INLAWS | SUB PRIME | I WANT HALF | RETURN 2 PIT | NO FIX 4 DUMB | RATHER DRINK | MUTUAL DISGUST

Dumped sayings:
I GOT SOBER | HE FIT U FAT | U LEFT SEATUP | USED U 4 FUN | JUST A FRIEND | BACK 2 KENNEL | DORKA PHOBIC | U HAVE A BLOG | RUSSIAN BRIDE | CELEB8 THX2U | DOG IS CUTER | TRADIN YOU IN | FORGET WE MET | KISS A FROG | SHE IS 22! | HE HAS A JOB

You can even buy several boxes and combine the candy heart to create a real unforgettable Valentine’s Day for that someone you hate (At least you get 20% off when you buy 2 or more).

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $9.99 on ThinkGeek.com.