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This is a “how NOT to” guide. Or perhaps a “how to dump someone in the nastiest way possible” guide. Choose one, depending on what you plan for this Valentine’s Day. The following products are the stupidest presents for Valentine’s Day we could find.

9. Beer Mug of Blooms. The only thing this says is “Honey, I went out to buy you the most beautiful bouquet for this special day, but I got lost and ended up in the pub.” Not the message you want to send on Valentine’s.

8. Love Stinks Soap Set. I have to admit it’s a funny idea (love stinks, let’s wash it off with a nice soap), but the whole point of this holiday is that love is great. Save this for when you want to dump him/her.

7. Talking Rose. Who invents these things? A plastic rose with a microphone? A fake flower and a recording can never replace a real one and a passionate “I love you”. Save your money for better things.

6. USB Pig Radio. Adorable, sure. But guys, pink is not always a sign that the product is made for Valentine’s. She’ll only think you’re saying she’s fat like a pig.

5. Valentine Heart Toilet Paper. Only for girls who think Valentine’s is overrated. Put this in the bathroom on your girlfriend’s favourite day and prepare to get the silent treatment.

4. Halitosis Detector (bad breath, that is). “My love, your breath stinks.” No. Never. Do not even think about it.

3. “Dumped” Despair Inc. Bitersweets. If you’re feeling real mean, wrap the box in a nice paper and watched her stunned face as she reads the messages on the seemingly-harmless candy hearts.

2. Diet Decision Maker magnet. The USB pig might have suggested she’s fat, this one is outright saying it. Guaranteed to get you dumped.

1. And, last but definitely not least… Breast Suspenders. I hope I don’t have to spell this out for you. NO.

I used to argue with people who said that all women are unsatisfied with their weight, but I have since given up. Most women are, and the minority doesn’t really count.

But, really, a magnetic cherry bakewell tart which dispenses dieting “pearls of wisdom”?! It’s called a Diet Decision Maker and I guess the point is that, if you get a craving for some fatty or sweet food, you push it and it tells you something witty that will make you reconsider. Among its lines are “Those who indulge bulge”, “A carrot cake does not count in your five a day”, “Naughty pickers wear big knickers”, “A moment on the lips a lifetime on the hips” and “When the diet gets tough, the tough get chocolate” - and none of them sound witty enough.

Also, a dieting device shaped like a CAKE?! I’m not on a diet and I’m already craving something sweet! Ugh.

How much under $29.99?
A lot: ~$9.70 on Alt-Gifts.com.

It looks like there’s a Pac-Man theme today. If you’re a fan, but you feel a Pac-Man plush head is too much, you can just go for the Pac-Man Magnet Set.

You get ten magnets, 8 1 in. x 1 in., and 2 1 in. x 2 in - including one of each of the ghosts and Pac-Man. You can create your own Pac-Man game on the fridge; it works even better if it’s black.

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $7.99 on ThinkGeek.com.