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This is a “how NOT to” guide. Or perhaps a “how to dump someone in the nastiest way possible” guide. Choose one, depending on what you plan for this Valentine’s Day. The following products are the stupidest presents for Valentine’s Day we could find.

9. Beer Mug of Blooms. The only thing this says is “Honey, I went out to buy you the most beautiful bouquet for this special day, but I got lost and ended up in the pub.” Not the message you want to send on Valentine’s.

8. Love Stinks Soap Set. I have to admit it’s a funny idea (love stinks, let’s wash it off with a nice soap), but the whole point of this holiday is that love is great. Save this for when you want to dump him/her.

7. Talking Rose. Who invents these things? A plastic rose with a microphone? A fake flower and a recording can never replace a real one and a passionate “I love you”. Save your money for better things.

6. USB Pig Radio. Adorable, sure. But guys, pink is not always a sign that the product is made for Valentine’s. She’ll only think you’re saying she’s fat like a pig.

5. Valentine Heart Toilet Paper. Only for girls who think Valentine’s is overrated. Put this in the bathroom on your girlfriend’s favourite day and prepare to get the silent treatment.

4. Halitosis Detector (bad breath, that is). “My love, your breath stinks.” No. Never. Do not even think about it.

3. “Dumped” Despair Inc. Bitersweets. If you’re feeling real mean, wrap the box in a nice paper and watched her stunned face as she reads the messages on the seemingly-harmless candy hearts.

2. Diet Decision Maker magnet. The USB pig might have suggested she’s fat, this one is outright saying it. Guaranteed to get you dumped.

1. And, last but definitely not least… Breast Suspenders. I hope I don’t have to spell this out for you. NO.

“It’s in the little things”, people say, and they have a point. Especially when love is involved. Apparently insignificant details can make us fall in or out of love.

Flowers are a great gift, but once in a while she might like you to do something different. How about waking her up with an “I love you”? What, you do that every day? But not like this.

With the I Love You Toast Stamper you will prove once and for all that love does pass through the stomach, even for women. You just have to press this stamp into the bread, set the toaster for a higher intensity, and you get this adorable message perfect for Valentine’s morning.

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $2.99 on PerpetualKid.com.

So you’ve decided that, even though Valentine’s Day might be a commercial holiday, there’s nothing wrong with celebrating your love. Unfortunately, love doesn’t necessarily come with brilliant ideas for presents. That’s why we’re here to help with our Top 7 Valentine’s Day presents for your girl. We’re aiming for original presents, so if all you’re looking for is red hearts… sorry, you won’t find them here (but aren’t you sick of them already?!)

7. If she works on the computer (and is there anyone who doesn’t, at least once in a while?), she definitely had the “hand frozen on mouse” problem at least once. Help her keep her lovely hands warm with a pair of USB Heating Gloves.

6. Everyone and his dog has a blog nowadays. If your girlfriend is a passionate blogger, let her express it! A pair of Geek Panties with the message “I’m blogging this” is one of the best presents for a blogger (she probably already has the “I’m blogging this” t-shirt, so she’ll love the set).

5. Presents aren’t only about material things. Be creative! Get her an “I only cook for the cat” apron, acknowledge her dislike of the kitchen and take her out for a fancy meal. Having someone else cook for you is one of the great joys of life.

4. If your girl is a bit on a wild side, get her something sexy and somewhat dangerous: a Single Shot Sexy Garter. Just imagine her lifting her skirt to take a sip… You’re giving yourself a present with this one. And she’ll relish the feeling of something forbidden.

3. Geeky girlfriend - she can understand your passion for computer games, gadgets, programming and all things geek. Hold on to her, she’s hard to find. The Include Love t-shirt has the best of both worlds: programming and relationships.

2. I doubt there is any girl, anywhere, who would refuse a day at the spa. We just like being pampered… Why not bring the spa to her? The Gelicity Spa Jelly Bath transforms the water in the bathtub into gel and promises an unique sensation.

1. But, no matter what, nothing beats those three magic words: “I love you”. But you’ve already told her that, sent her cards… Well, she’s probably never received a bean that says “I love you”. The Message Egg grows into a bean plant that lets you express your feelings in a way she’s never seen before.

Most men try to act all tough, but we know that they’re not really like that. He might say that Valentine’s Day is a silly holiday, but it’s about love, after all, and any excuse is good for that. As long as you buy him some gifts that he’ll appreciate (hint: no red hearts, nothing pink), Valentine’s should be a great opportunity to make your relationship better. You don’t have to go over the top - just show him your love. If you’re still not sure what to get him, check out our Top 7 Valentine’s Day presents for your guy.

7. If you want to get him something he’ll like, but also get a tiny little advantage out of it, consider the Circuitboard Coasters. He might find the supreme geekiness reason enough to use them and stop ruining your table.

6. Men and clothes… usually not a good combination. Clothes are complicated, you have to match the colors and all sorts of useless stuff. The FTW t-shirt is the ideal solution for guys who hate the notion of “fashion”. Black goes with anything and the message tells the world that everything’s going great for him.

5. Do you have a slightly childish (and yet so adorable) boyfriend? Get him a LEGO Star Wars watch. Features two cool things: LEGO (ah, the memories of endless hours of fun) and perhaps the greatest SF saga ever.

4. If a man likes beer, it doesn’t mean that he’s a slob or that he spends all his free time in a bar telling dirty jokes to his friends. Beer drinking can be classy too: get your man a set of Beer Bottle Goblets and have a drink with him!

3. Perhaps your boyfriend has to work in a stuffy office. He might not like wearing a suit, but he can’t do anything about it. A small and tasteful accessory could make him feel less like a company drone. The Light Bulb Cufflinks look ordinary most of the time, but when you push a button they light up.

2. They say every man is a kid at heart and I think there’s a lot of truth in that. You can test the theory by giving him an USB Whack it! and watching the reaction. My money is on “Ooh, a whack-a-mole! I used to love them when I was a kid!”

1. We mentioned the office and being a young at heart. How about combining them? The Dart Blaster is a toy that can ensure hours and hours of chaos fun at the workplace.

Looking for the perfect gift for you cheating ex? It’s Valentine’s Day and you have a right to be bitter, with all the “love is in the air” mood everyone (except you) seems to be in.

If you’ve decided to do more than just stay at home and mope and/or plan revenge, you can send your ex a little Valentine’s present of a less romancey nature. Ouch - The Voodoo Doll Toothpick Holder is an useful household item, right? Of course. Why would he have a reason to suspect you’re doing anything else but sending a harmless little gift? Well, the fact that you have written his name of the head of the doll might be a tip-off…

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $7.99 on PerpetualKid.com.

Fill the bed with rose petals? Check. Buy a big bouquet of the favorite flowers? Check. Get the mandatory heart-shaped boc of chocolates? Check. What else would you need for a perfect Valentine’s?

Why, of course, Valentine Heart Toilet Paper. Why should she forget it’s Valentine’s just because she’s going to the toilet? Just make sure your girlfriend has a sense of humor. If she thinks you’re trying to make fun of this “special day”… you might get the wrong results.

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $6.95 on WhatOnEarthCatalog.com.

Are you sick of all the “love is in the air” crap? Do you want a suble way of dumping your (un)significant other? Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend with a very good sense of humor? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, consider the Despair, Inc. Bittersweets for the pink-and-red holiday we all love (or hate with a passion).

They come in three collections: Dejected, Dysfunctional, and Dumped, each with up to 37 different messages, such as:
Dejected:
I MISS MY EX | PEAKED AT 17 | MAIL ORDER | TABLE FOR 1 | I CRY ON Q | U C MY BLOG? | LOSS LEADER | A FINE WHINE | MOMMY ISSUES | DIGNITY FREE | DORK MAGNET | PURE NAUSEA | WE HAD PLANS | MAIL ORDER | SETTLE 4LESS | I’M HOT INSIDE

Dysfunctional:
ANNULMENT | I BEEN CREEPIN | HE CAN LISTEN | GAME ON TV | CALL A 900# | P.S. I LUV ME | DO MY DISHES | BOOTY INFL8N | PAROLE IS UP! | AWFUL INLAWS | SUB PRIME | I WANT HALF | RETURN 2 PIT | NO FIX 4 DUMB | RATHER DRINK | MUTUAL DISGUST

Dumped sayings:
I GOT SOBER | HE FIT U FAT | U LEFT SEATUP | USED U 4 FUN | JUST A FRIEND | BACK 2 KENNEL | DORKA PHOBIC | U HAVE A BLOG | RUSSIAN BRIDE | CELEB8 THX2U | DOG IS CUTER | TRADIN YOU IN | FORGET WE MET | KISS A FROG | SHE IS 22! | HE HAS A JOB

You can even buy several boxes and combine the candy heart to create a real unforgettable Valentine’s Day for that someone you hate (At least you get 20% off when you buy 2 or more).

How much under $29.99?
A lot: $9.99 on ThinkGeek.com.

Nothing says “I love you” like a… bean? You’ll agree, if you let me explain.

It’s called a Message Egg, only it doesn’t have a chicken inside. It has a bean. You have to water it, and in a couple of hours it will “hatch”. That’s pretty interesting, but there’s more: in about a week, the bean plant will grow enough to let you see the “I love you” magically inscribed on it! I’m still trying to figure out how they do it. I’m guessing some sort of very careful engraving, so it’s probably not magic, but it sure looks impressive.

Who cares about old fashioned cards? Tell them you love them with a bean!

How much under $29.99?
A lot: ~$9.70 on IWantOneofThose.com.

We featured this website once before - last Christmas, when they offered a bunch of very cool geeky greetings.

Valentine’s Day is drawing near and they’re back. Six Valentine’s Day Geeky Greetings - the kind you should only give your girlfriend if she’s a gamer or a fellow geek. Otherwise you’ll get a “Critical… hit… eh?” But I am sure that, if your partner is into RPGs, he or she will appreciate that you acknowledged his/her passion for gaming and found something more appropriate. Hallmark cards are nice, but much too common, I’m sorry to say.

The cards feature messages like “You have my heart. (I failed my dodge roll and was hit by Cupid’s arrows)”, “Happy Valentine’s Day… My Precious” (a la Gollum) and “chown -R you ./myheart” (translation kindly provided by my friend who knows Linux stuff: “CHange OWNer Recursive to “you” for my heart”)

How much under $29.99?
A lot: ~$3 on GeekyGreetings.com.

Yes, Valentine’s Day has become so commercial, yes, I dislike that, but some gifts are just so damn cute, who cares that the society is going down the drain and blah blah?

The Sweetheart Chocolate Avatars (also known as Mii Chocolates) are the epitome of cute. You get two 2.1 oz Hershey’s chocolate avatars with tiny read hearts on their shirts, to make the feelings very clear. You can choose any combination of colors (white or dark chocolate) and sexes, so you’ll be able to express your chocolately love to your mate in a very accurate way. What more could you want?

If you wanted to get these and they were out of stock, hurry now, a new batch has just been put on sale.

How much under $29.99?
Some: $14.99 on ThinkGeek.com.